


You don't have to speak; I feel.

by SovereignChicken



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Multi, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-04-27 23:57:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5069911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SovereignChicken/pseuds/SovereignChicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warm arms wrapped around her holding her back to the brunette’s chest. “Shhhhh…shhhhhh…take deep breaths. With me, come on”, the brunette comforted, breathing deeply so that Clarke could match her breathing. She struggled to take deep breaths, listening to the brunette speak and feeling the vibration of her words against her back.</p><p>Clarke is going through the worst period of her life and Lexa is just trying to hold her relationship together. Lexa seems to be the only one who can calm Clarke down and Clarke seems to be the only one who can bring life into Lexa's everyday existence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I know your habits, but wouldn't recognize you yet.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all. This is my first fic ever. Never thought I'd ever write one, but there are some amazing Clexa fic writers on here and what can I say? I'm inspired.

Scattered rays of the mid-afternoon autumn sun were streaming into the boutique clothing store illuminating its occupants in a soft glow. The sun’s warmth however, stopped at the full-length insulated glass that composed the front wall of the store. Also kept out, was the noise of the traffic outside leaving a calming quiet inside the store that was very softly permeated by piano instrumentals emitting from the speakers.

Clarke, half doubled over with one hand on the discount dress rack, tried her best to remember all the breathing exercises she knew as she desperately sucked air into her heaving lungs. She knew she was having a panic attack but she couldn’t quite manage to compose herself. Straightening up, she let go of the rack and slowly made her way to further into the back of the store breathing easier as she went.

She stood in the back corner silently; glad that the two sales girls at the front of the store had given her a wide berth once they saw the look on her face. A soft chuckle escaped her as she imagined how terrifying she must have looked to the sales girls, storming into the store with mascara streaming down her face.

Immediately the chuckle left her mouth she was unable to breathe again, guilt engulfing her for daring to laugh. Blindly grabbing at anything for support, she clumsily brought several trouser-bearing hangers to the ground with loud clatters. Her legs seemed to move of their own accord taking her out of the store, anywhere.

She was met with blinding light, the cacophonous noise of the outside world, and “oooff” a hard body that she ran straight into. Steady hands grasped onto her forearms keeping her upright as she struggled to adjust to her environment.

Through blurry vision, Clarke saw a light frown and green eyes and tried to pull her arms away. The girl with the green eyes’ grip remained firm and she followed as Clarke stumbled backwards until her back hit the glass window of the Boutique. Clarke slid down the glass and landed with a sudden thump that took the air out of her already straining lungs. Screwing her eyes shut, she gulped at air she desperately needed.

A soft voice broke through and startled her causing her to open her eyes. The green-eyed girl knelt in front of her, hands still softly gripping Clarke’s forearms. Wisps of her curly brown hair fell in front of her lightly freckled face that was leaning close to Clarke’s as she murmured gently.

Clarke forced herself to focus on the girls words in between painful gasps.

“..personally, I always liked Bubbles best. I don’t think it was fair that she was always put down by her sisters. She could talk to animals!  I mean how cool is that?...”, the girl rambled, seemingly oblivious to Clarke’s confusion.

Clarke cocked her head to the side, panic forgotten, and interrupted the girl, “Why are you talking about ‘The Powerpuff Girls’?”

The girl jumped slightly, words trailing off as if she hadn’t realized she was speaking at all. She removed her hands from Clarke’s arms and sat back on her haunches silently.

The two girls sat there silently in the street looking at each other as passersby walked past them hunched over phones, or rushing to meet people completely unconcerned with the still women.

The calm that had settled over them was broken by the persistent honking of a red Jeep that had been cut off by a van at the nearby intersection. Clarke watched the Jeep get into the next lane and speed up cutting off the ‘Jas Flower Delivery’ van before losing sight of both vehicles as they went around a bend.

When she looked back at the girl, she saw that she had already risen to her feet. Clarke quickly followed suit, getting up and meeting the girl’s eyes. The girl rubbed at the back of her neck awkwardly before leaving her hands hanging from her side uselessly.

“I didn’t realize I was talking about ‘The Powerpuff Girls’, I was just trying to ca…” she mumbled, colour rising in her cheeks.

“No, no….it’s okay.” Clarke placated. “Thank you”, she added.

Silence washed over the two women for a moment.

“I always liked Buttercup. When I was a kid, there was this boy, Finn, who would always push me around and I wanted to be tough and fight back just like Buttercup.” Clarke offered, pausing in her story to let out a laugh. “One day I was so mad when he took my favourite pencil, that I marched right over to him and punched him as hard as I could. My Maths teacher, Mr Brooks, was so horrified at all the blood that he nearly fainted which made his trying to drag me to the headmaster’s office quite entertaining with him nearly throwing up every step of the way.”

The brunette’s eyes were wide as she followed Clarke’s story. Noticing her expression, Clarke asked amusedly, “Not one for getting into trouble?”

The brunette shook her head vigorously, “I was head prefect in school”, she confessed.

“I was definitely not anywhere near responsible enough to be prefect”, Clarke laughed, “It all ended well with Finn though, he forgave me when I came back from suspension and we became friends. Still are, actually, and Buttercup is the reason."

The brunette smiled warmly at her and Clarke returned it before her stomach churned.

“Hey.”, the brunette uttered softly, noticing the expression on Clarke’s face. Clarke met her eyes, swallowing back a sob that threatened to spill out.

“Last year’s clothes?” the brunette asked jokingly, green eyes indicating the boutique.

Clarke shook her head and struggled to speak, “I just…I…just need…a dress for…umm..for..”

The brunette made her way to the boutique door, eyes on Clarke the entire time. When it became evident the blonde wouldn’t say anymore, the brunette raised an eyebrow, “I could help, you know, with the dress. May I help?” Clarke nodded gratefully but remained still. 

The brunette slowly opened the door, “You know, I’m quite the fashionista, especially when it comes to clothes from..”, she glanced conspicuously at the sign on the door, “..Tomorrow’s Fashion Boutique! Wow, I was really wrong about my last year’s clothes comment wasn’t I?” She wiggled her brows comically and walked into the store, leaving Clarke to follow with a laugh.

The store didn’t seem nearly as oppressive with the brunette leading the way slowly pausing to look around. The sun’s rays insistently forged a path through the window and into the store bathing the two sales girls, who were engrossed with something on one of their phones, in light. The girls noticed the brunette and the phone disappeared under the counter replaced with exuberant smiles and greetings that quickly faded when they noticed Clarke behind her. They both immediately busied themselves, to the amusement of Clarke, who stopped in her tracks realizing she’d lost the brunette.

She walked deeper into the store, spying the brunette in the corner picking up trousers off the floor and placing them back on the rack. “Do those girls never leave the front counter?” she asked, as Clarke walked up.

“Apparently not”, Clarke answered. “It’s my mess though; I knocked them over, rushing out of here.”

Green eyes danced up and down as the girl nodded in understanding. “I don’t like the trousers either”, she stated, straight-faced.

“Good”, Clarke said, equally stoic. “You’re the right person for this mission then”, she tried, faltering towards the end.

The brunette humoured her anyway, and led the way to the dress rack. “Stipulations? Colour? Size?” she asked. Clarke answered robotically, lost in her thoughts. She didn’t want to wear one of her own dresses to the funeral. It was silly, she knew, but she didn’t want to mar happy memories with her Father, in all her different dresses, with the stain of his funeral.

She hadn’t told Raven, who’d no doubt be worried sick, wondering where she went, because she didn’t even know if she’d manage to buy a dress.

She abandoned her racing thoughts, realizing green eyes were staring at her and the girl was holding up three dresses, hanger in each hand and the other hanger hung on her collar. The brunette stood patiently, watching Clarke for a response. None came.

Not missing a beat she hung the two in her hands back on the rack and held out the one that was on her collar. “This is my favourite”, she said simply. “We can try it on..I..I mean you can try it on..if you want to”, she stammered. Clarke nodded silently and led the way to the changing rooms.

She stopped at the door facing the counter, trying to get the attention of the sales girls. The brunette caught up with her and joined in her efforts clearing her throat loudly. One of the girls looked up from her phone and simply nodded assent gesturing at the discard rack. “Useless”, the brunette muttered leading the way into changing room and standing in front of a stall.

She nodded nervously for Clarke to go in. Clarke gestured wordlessly at the dress. “Oh! Yeah!”, the brunette blushed handing over the dress and stepping back.

Clarke walked into the stall and locked the door behind her before hanging up the dress. She turned to the mirror, letting out a soft gasp at her appearance. Her eyes were red rimmed and puffy, hair tangled up, and makeup running down her cheeks. She fished in her coat pocket for a handkerchief and wiped her face up as best she could before running her hands through her hair to try and make it look presentable. Realizing she’d been staring at her reflection a beat too long she got undressed quickly and put on the dress.

Her eyes met her reflection and she immediately couldn’t breathe.

She was visualizing herself at the funeral, talking to people, watching the priest ramble on, watching them lower the….Oh God. She was having a full-fledged panic attack now. She huffed furiously, deciding that if there was a record for most panic attacks in one day, she had beaten it. Grief and anger engulfed her and she collapsed to her knees.

“Hey, hey, breathe, breathe, let me in, let me in” she heard the voice outside the door whisper urgently. Clarke reached out backward clumsily and turned the lock before collapsing back on the ground exhaustedly.

Warm arms wrapped around her holding her back to the brunette’s chest. “Shhhhh…shhhhhh…take deep breaths. With me, come on”, the brunette comforted breathing deeply so that Clarke could match her breathing. She struggled to take deep breaths, listening to the brunette speak and feeling the vibration of her words against her back.

“My favourite episode was probably the one where Bubbles was hardcore” Clarke laughed despite herself, leaning back further and meeting calm green eyes with her own watery blue in the mirror. She closed her eyes and stilled leaning against the other girl and listened to her passionately describe the episode. “I mean, I know she went a little crazy but can you blame her?” she asked in conclusion as Clarke opened her eyes to watch her. They sat like that for a beat longer, Clarke against the brunette, the brunette against the door, before they both silently stood up.

“I like the dress”, the girl nodded.

“Me too” Clarke nodded in return.

She let herself out of the stall leaving Clarke to quickly get dressed and meet her outside the door. They made their way to the counter, not exchanging any words, and checked out.

Clarke felt like she was in a daze, she didn’t know how she was going to get through tomorrow or any of the days that followed. Her father had always been her rock, her best friend, and she always felt like she could tell him everything. She held the bag her dress was in tightly, as she imagined how her Dad would react to it.

_“New dress kiddo?” Clarke nods in response making her way downstairs and straight to the fridge only to be intercepted by her dad._

_“You know the rules, you have to model before and after you eat for food baby comparison”_

_Clarke tries to dodge him, protesting “Daaaaaaaaad”. But Jake is resolute. He stands arms crossed in front of him._

_“Ever since…” he begins his fake sad routine, “Ever since you moved in with Raven…we hardly see you..I feel like I’m not a father anymore. Remember when you used to drag me to every store in the mall and make sure when we got home that I saw every possible combination of the clothes you bought and..”_

_Clarke huffs petulantly “I was ten!”_

_Jake runs a hand through his blonde hair the way he always does and prepares for his Oscar-winning lines. “Ten. Ten. That was the beginning of the end wasn’t it? After that, your old man became obsolete. He lost all worth. In the face of shiny 2.0 toys like Raven and Octavia, how could he not?”_

_Clarke quirks a brow, “Are you done?”_

_He grins back threateningly, “Depends, kiddo. Depends”_

_Clarke sighs dramatically but she obliges._

_She always does._

_He always teases then prophesies. She always huffs and then twirls around ridiculously making his loud laugh echo through the house._

A cold blast of autumn air hit Clarke as she walked out of the store behind the brunette. Afternoon had started giving way to early evening and the sun’s light and warmth were both muted giving way to a chill that gave threats of the forthcoming winter. The foot traffic had diminished considerably and the street lamps were lit, too early in Clarke’s opinion, further illuminating the darkening street.

Clarke tightened the coat around her and stuffed her fingers in her pocket, shopping bag wrapped around her wrist. She walked up to the brunette who had halted unsurely in the middle of the sidewalk. She answered the brunette’s silent question and tilted her head towards the bus stop. They walked over and stood for a few minutes before Clarke’s bus arrived and she quickly got on the first step craving the warmth inside.

She turned and met the brunette’s eyes and felt her heart skip a beat and a pleasant fluttering in her stomach. She nodded her thanks hoping that her expression conveyed just how grateful she was, knowing that no words ever could and she turned wordlessly and climbed onto the bus.


	2. And if you breathe in, then I breathe in. Only we'll know.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Wait! Hey! Wait” a familiar voice yelled. She whirled around. Blonde hair bounced around, following its blue eyed owner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos. I really appreciated them. Buckle up.

Lexa was late. Again. She ran for a few blocks before stopping, lungs burning, and speed walking as fast as she could and then repeating the process when she had caught her breath. She didn’t dare look at her phone, hoping childishly that if she didn’t look, time would move slower. She had never regretted quitting track in University quite as much as she did now. Every exhale fogged up in front of her for a split second, the autumn air not being quite cold enough to sustain it, as she ran determinedly to her destination.

She didn’t quite understand how things had gone so wrong with Costia. She felt as if she were running, not just literally but also figuratively, to catch up with a relationship she barely felt a part of anymore. It was her fault though, and only hers.

The time had gotten away from her at her fellowship and she’d only just remembered that she was supposed to meet her girlfriend at three o’clock. She’d been joking with her coworker, Monty, when she spotted the clock displaying the time as twenty past three and darted off frantically with barely a goodbye.

Despite her heaving lungs, she enjoyed the sound of her feet slamming against the pavement and the distorted sound of the whizzing traffic around her. She found herself relishing the moment and the feeling of running before she remembered the reason she was doing so. Superstition be damned; she was going to look at her phone and figure out what excuse to use based on how late she was. Stuffing her hand in her left coat pocket to reach for her phone, she slowed to a fast walk.

She began pulling it out when “oooff” she nearly got knocked over by a blonde girl who clearly wasn’t looking where she was going. She grabbed at the girl who was wobbling dangerously and struggled to keep her upright. The blonde girl tried to pull away but Lexa, angry at her rudeness, held onto her with every intention to confront her. The girl stumbled back and fell down to the ground against the glass window of a store breathing heavily.

Lexa, still holding on to the blonde, recognized all the signs of a panic attack, having had many herself and all her anger dissipated. She knelt near her, softly instructing her to breathe deeply. Blue eyes opened up looking intently at her.

Lexa’s heart seemed to stop. Lexa’s breathing definitely stopped.

Seconds later, she forced herself to keep breathing considering the fact that she was trying to get the blonde to match her breathing. She couldn’t remember what she was saying. The only thing she could think of was blue. Blue. Bubbles.

It felt like no time had passed when she found herself at a bus stop with the blonde quietly standing beside her. She could barely comprehend the past hour. All she knew was that she didn’t want it to end.

The bus was here. The blonde was on it.

Lexa didn’t want her to leave. Lexa wanted to tell her that she was selfish. That the best moment of her life was when the blonde had gurgled out a wet laugh in her arms and simply looked at her in the dressing room mirror. Looked at her like she was beautiful. Looked at her like she was the very air the blonde was struggling to breathe.

The blonde nodded her thanks on the step and walked into the bus and Lexa turned, hands in her coat pocket. She tried to ignore the ache in her chest and walked briskly, one foot in front of the other.

Suddenly, she remembered. Costia.

“Wait! Hey! Wait” a familiar voice yelled. She whirled around. Blonde hair bounced around, following its blue eyed owner.

Suddenly, she forgot. Everything.

Her mind was blank when the blonde came to a halt in front of her. She waited, holding her breath.

“How much did it cost?”

What? That was certainly not what Lexa expected to come out of her mouth. She shook her head slowly trying to understand.

The blonde in front of her shifted from one foot to another impatiently. “You know”, she insisted, “The dress.” She jiggled the shopping bag, hand still in her pocket.

“Oh”, Lexa realized. In all the confusion, she had paid for the dress without a second thought.

She immediately moved to deny any sort of repayment but the blonde was steadfast, threatening to drag Lexa into the boutique and get the receipt reprinted so she could pay for it.

“30 bucks” Lexa lied.

Blue eyes searched her own green.

“Seriously!” Lexa insisted.

“I’ll give you 50 dollars” the blonde stated.

Lexa panicked “What!? No! That’s too much”

It wasn’t. It was a dollar and 43 cents short.

“No!” Lexa protested backing away slowly. But the blonde quickly rummaged through her small wallet that had ladybug stickers all over it pulling out two twenty bills and a ten.

“No.” Lexa echoed uselessly.

The bills were shoved into her own pocket and before she could retrieve them, the blonde grabbed her hands and looked at her. Lexa couldn’t help but relent, looking into those eyes. All her fight was gone and she simply stared at the blonde girl.

Arms came up around her and she fell into a tight hug. They stood there in hold for half a minute. Lexa felt warm breath on her neck as the other girl burrowed into her. Lexa’s heart was beating so loud it blocked out all the sounds of the city street. All she could smell was the coconut shampoo the blonde must have used earlier and she took deep breaths committing it to memory.

The blonde let go. Jogged back to the waiting bus and was gone.

A car screeched loudly in the distance and the smell of the autumn leaves mixed with exhaust fumes hit her nose abruptly. Lexa stood there half dazed for longer than she would care to admit before she began walking again.

Her mind was racing with thoughts of this girl. She wondered who she had lost. Who had made her so broken. She must have been going to a funeral. Lexa shook her head, heart aching for this girl who was a stranger.

Suddenly, she remembered. Costia. Damn.

She took off at a dead sprint. The café was only a few blocks away but she was late. Too late. She wondered if Costia would still be there or if she had given up and gone home to her apartment. She didn’t know which outcome she preferred. She skidded into the café at a breakneck speed and scanned its occupants. Costia wasn’t there. She pulled out her phone. 5.13pm. Damn.

She sighed and took a breath, calmly going over her options. She could call but she was sure Costia wouldn’t answer. She could leave a message but she knew that it wasn’t anywhere near enough to make up for standing her girlfriend up. She resigned herself to what felt like her only choice if she was going to salvage her relationship. If she could salvage it at all.

She found herself at the bus stop thinking of another bus stop she’d stood at only twenty minutes prior. Thinking of the person she stood with. The bus arrived and she got in, spending her ride going over talking points for the conversation she was about to have. When Costia’s door swung open however, it was all for naught.

She couldn’t even bring herself to speak. Costia cocked her head expectantly, causing her locks to tumble over her right shoulder. Her dark skin was pronounced by the single light behind her in the entryway, as she stood waiting with her hand on the door handle.

“It’s cold.” She stated.

“I’m sorry” Lexa stumbled.

Seeing only a hard look from Costia, she forced herself to explain what happened. Costia listened patiently and finally sighed when Lexa was done.

“Come inside, everyone’s gone to the hot chocolate party” she ushered. Lexa felt a stab of guilt. She knew Costia had declined Echo’s invite to her and her roommates Caris and Luna in lieu of a date with Lexa.

She led the way into the living room and sat down on the floor in front of the couch. Lexa sat gingerly on the armchair closest to the muted television. For a long minute the only sound was the ticking of the clock that hung on the wall. Lexa felt as if it was taunting her, every second louder than the last.

“I believe you.” Costia stated. Lexa relaxed slightly.

“That’s not the problem” she continued. Lexa stiffened.

“If it’s not some distraught girl buying a dress for a funeral, it’s work. If it’s not work, it’s traffic. If it’s not traffic, it’s ‘I lost track of time, I’m sorry’..” she trailed off.

Lexa opened her mouth and was swiftly interrupted.

“No Lexa, seriously answer this question.” Lexa waited. “When are you ever late to anything else? I get that you’re busy, I do. The law firm is busy and stressful. I get it. But I’m busy too. I’m juggling clients all day at work and then it’s MBA by night.”

She sighed. “Look, this isn’t a competition of who’s busier. It’s just simply a question of whether you want to put in the time.”

Silence.

“We’ve been dating for three years. If it’s done, it’s done. I’ll accept it. I mean..it’ll suck a lot. But we’ve been having problems for a long time now. I just don’t want those years to have been for nothing”

She shook her head chastising herself, “What I’m trying to say is I think we’re worth working on. I mean there’s this whole thing where I love you.” She joked.

She was met with silence again.

“If I’m flogging a dead horse here, I can jus..” Costia whispered before Lexa interrupted.

“No. It’s worth it. We’re worth it. I love you.” Lexa choked out sincerely.

“I don’t know why I’ve been sucking towards you lately. I want to be better. Even if my actions today didn’t reflect that.”

Costia sighed, “I understand today, you did nothing wrong. You helped a girl. Pretty noble of you actually”

Lexa couldn’t quite meet Costia’s dark brown eyes. Her actions with the blonde may have been good but her feelings were anything but. She struggled to look into the honest depths of Costia’s eyes. Costia who was smart and had always worked hard. Costia who had saved up every penny since she first started working at sixteen and had put down a sizeable down payment to own the house they were sitting in. Costia who got promotion after promotion at her job and was only spurred on to work harder. Costia who after a long day still had the energy to deal with Lexa who never talked about her past. Costia who was patient and never pushed when Lexa got into one of her moods.

She would try. Because Costia never stopped trying.

 

 

Clarke pushed open the door to her apartment out of breath from walking up the stairs and walked in quietly.

“What the fuck! What the fuck Clarke!”

Apparently not quietly enough.

Raven careened into view and nearly crashed into Clarke. She looked furious. Clarke was abruptly pulled into a strong hug then pushed away angrily. Clarke stood still watching Raven try to calm herself down. “No! Fuck calm. What the fuck Clarke!” she yelled.

“I know” Clarke let out.

“What the fuck do you mean?” Raven screeched. “I know” she paused imitating, “What the fuck does that mean?”

Clarke huffed in exhaustion. Frustration.

Raven had walked over to the kitchen counter and was watching Clarke with narrowed eyes.

“It means I fucked up. I should have called and let you know..” 

Raven walked up to her eyes flashing with anger and shoved Clarke’s phone into her hand.

“Oh” Clarke realized.

“Oh”  Raven imitated sarcastically. “I called about thirty times before I realized it was in your room.” She said running a hand through her hair. She paused and looked at Clarke. Clarke knew she must have looked terrible by the way Raven deflated.

She allowed herself to be dragged by her coat to the couch where she plopped down tiredly. She narrated the story to Raven who listened sympathetically.

“Nice of mystery girl to help. Different circumstances you could have gotten her number or at the very least her name” she teased. “I can see her business card now, ‘Green- eyes McMysterygirl, Personal Shopper Extraordinaire.”

Clarke snorted out a laugh. “That was lame”

Raven stood, pulling out her phone, “Yeah, well I’m tired and I have to call everyone we know and tell them to call off the search party.”

Clarke winced at the fuss that was caused by her, “I’m really sorry Raven.”

Raven knelt in front of her phone tucked between her head and shoulder and put her hands on Clarke’s knees. “It’s okay Clarke. I know you needed to deal. I was just worried” Clarke nodded apologetically and squeezed Raven’s hands.

“Raven!” Octavia’s voice came through the phone.

“I got her. She’s home” Raven said standing up.

“Oh thank fuck! Lincoln! She’s with Raven!” she heard Octavia yell.

“Hey” Raven said gently standing at the entrance to her room. She held the phone away from her ear as Octavia’s now muffled yelling continued. “You should call your mom.”

“You didn’t” Clarke whined exasperatedly.

Raven raised her eyebrow.

Clarke sighed in resignation “You were right to call her, I’m sorry. I’ll talk to her.”

When Clarke eventually retreated to her room, she dropped the shopping bag in the ground unceremoniously and undressed dropping all her clothes and slipping into sleeping shorts and her father’s old college rugby jersey. It didn’t smell like him anymore having been appropriated for Clarke’s use years ago but it was soft and reminded her of his hugs.

She fought back tears as she unlocked her phone and lay down on her unmade bed. She scrolled through countless messages and missed calls from what seemed like everyone she knew before dismissing the notifications and calling her mom. She gave bare minimum responses as her mom questioned her whereabouts. Her mom quickly gave up on asking questions.

Silence reigned.

“Good night Clarke. See you tomorrow.”

Clarke wanted to scream.

‘Click.’

Her mother had hung up.

Oh God. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow she was going to bury..Clarke dug her face into her bed tears flowing freely, breathing coming in spurts. She thought of green eyes and felt a calm slowly settle over her. She replayed their interaction over and over.

She remembered her kindness. Her smirk when she joked about the boutique. Her calm presence in the store. Her arms around her in the changing room. Clarke hadn’t felt that safe since she was seven and her father would hold her in his big arms as the swung on the porch swing looking out at the yard on lazy Sundays.

Clarke could almost imagine the girl’s arms encircling her, steady heartbeat against her back. She could almost feel the girl holding her up in the hug on the street, her heart thumping rapidly against Clarke’s chest. She fell into a restless sleep thinking of the girl.

And when she woke up tired, her first thought was of the beautiful, gentle girl.

Her second thought was Oh God. Today.


	3. Is it really this fun when you're on my mind?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Incredible” Lexa whispered, looking into her blue eyes that widened in response. She was so close. So close. She leaned closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks for the feedback. It seriously makes me happy. Keep it coming. Hope you enjoy this.

Clarke stood in a daze looking straight ahead. Her right hand was tightly gripped in Raven’s, and her left hand was in Octavia’s. Both women were silently crying beside her as they listened to the priest speak about a man he didn’t know. The sun was shining brightly, too brightly, and the grass beneath them was wet with the morning dew. She closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath. She loved that smell. The smell of the morning dampness before the day descended upon it and took away the magic of that smell.

The sound of the birds cheerfully chirping intermingled with distant traffic, the priest’s never ending words, and her mother’s sobbing all filled Clarke’s ears and she could barely discern between them. She was vaguely aware of her right hand being gently swayed back and forth by Raven who had her own right arm around her shaking mother.

It must have been a strange sight to some of the attendees, mother and daughter not consoling each other. Not even standing near each other. It had always been like that. She had always been close to her father and distant with her mother. Her mother was always disapproving, always judging and they disagreed on everything. Her father had been the glue.

When Raven had entered the picture, twelve, scared, and alone, she’d immediately found a mother in Abby. Clarke had been jealous at first, but even then she realized that Raven needed her mother more than Clarke had ever needed her. And so it was always like that. Raven talked to Abby every day. Clarke talked to Abby when enough time passed since they last spoke that she couldn’t justify not talking to her. The conversation would last a maximum of ten minutes, all topics thoroughly exhausted.

Her mother would ask, “How’s school? How’s the apartment?”

Clarke would ask, “How’s work? How’s the house?”

When Clarke took the semester off they had even less to talk about. Her mother didn’t ask about Raven because she talked to her every day. Clarke didn’t ask about her father because she talked to him every day. That is..before..

Her newly bought dress danced around lightly in the breeze that made her shiver. She’d stubbornly decided not to wear a coat much to Raven’s vexation which was expressed in a quiet huff as she didn’t want to further upset Clarke considering the occasion.  She shivered slightly again, half in cold and half in remembrance of warm strong arms that had led her to the dress.

She let go of Octavia’s hand momentarily and returned to holding it once she adjusted the sunglasses on her face. Sunglasses that hid cold, hard eyes. She hadn’t cried since she fell asleep the night before feeling like she was all cried out.

Everything felt numb. Everything felt fake. Except her. Except green.

 

Lexa woke up to the bright sun streaming through the shutters in Costia’s bedroom. She blinked slowly adjusting to the light and shivered in the borrowed shorts and tank top. The bed was cold. She looked over at Costia and saw that she was on the other side of the bed. Still asleep. Lexa lay on her back, eyes on the ceiling and mulled over her night.

After talking their problems over hours and making promises to be better, Lexa had let out a series of yawns that prompted Costia to insist she sleep over. The situation brought into a harsh light a problem they hadn’t discussed. Lexa couldn’t remember with certainty the last time she’d slept over nor could she remember the last time Costia had slept over at her apartment let alone been to it. They hadn’t slept together in months and even back when they were it was simply a quick release, frantic and careless, devoid of all intimacy. Excuses had been made on both their parts. Costia’s school left her too tired. Lexa’s fellowship kept her too tired.

Costia had been quiet when they entered her room, mind probably racing like Lexa’s. She handed Lexa clothes to sleep in and turned her back so she could change. Lexa didn’t think they could possibly more distant. They got into bed on opposite sides but Lexa opened up her arms and Costia filled them.

Within ten minutes they had their backs to each other on opposite sides. Lexa had been wrong about how distant they could be.

The worst part of it Lexa thought, as she stretched her arms above her basking in the morning light, was that she didn’t really feel bad about the situation. She didn’t feel good about it either, just indifferent. And that…that feeling of indifference, caused her immense guilt.

The coloured rubber bands in Costia’s locks caught her eye bringing out a soft chuckle. A cocky frat boy in Costia’s Corporate Finance class had  scoffed at her on the first day of class and suggested she wear a weave as it was more professional. Costia had reacted by coming up with a story about how she was Jamaican and it was her religion and he’d been immediately cowed saying he respected all religions. She’d been fully committing to the role wearing Jamaican flag colours, putting rubber bands in her hair, and even learning about Jamaican history so she could give him a lecture every time the class met.

_“I can’t wait for the last day of class. I’m gonna drop a truth bomb on that boy so hard it’ll leave him dizzy. I’m gonna let him let him know that I have my hair like this not for any damn religion but for the simple fact that I want to have it like this. And if I wanted a damn afro, I would have a damn afro. Either way it would be my choice and it would be neat and professional even if it didn’t meet his damn standards.” she ranted passionately, two weeks into the class. “And I meant all those damns!” she laughed, “But seriously Lexa, Rastafari religion is so interesting I’ve learned so much. Did you know..”_

And Lexa laughed and listened to all of the facts the learned and let herself be dragged into watching informational movies. They got along like a house on fire. They always had and even now in the midst of their problems they still did. But getting along well didn’t mean being together worked. And Lexa didn’t know how to make it work.

 

It had been weeks since Clarke had dropped a handful of soil onto her father’s casket. Weeks since she had last seen her mother. Weeks since Finn had stood in front of her offering his condolences, the mist in his eyes reminding Clarke of when she broke it off with him deciding to be friends.  Weeks since Bellamy had ruffled her hair, given a half-hearted version of his signature grin and told her to take her time with coming back to work on her piece. Weeks since Octavia and Lincoln had hugged her from both sides and told her to call. Weeks since Wells had stepped forward, his father trailing behind him, and squeezed her hand. Weeks since Raven had gone along with her, only slightly protesting, and made a fire on the beach into which Clarke tossed her new dress. 

 

Lexa walked slowly taking in her unfamiliar surroundings, books in hand looking for a store sign. She didn’t spend much time on this side of town but Costia, consumed with studying for an exam, had asked her to pick up her dry cleaning and she’d obliged despite being exhausted from work. Their relationship was still strained. Lexa had made the effort she’d promised but it didn’t seem to fix things and she was beginning to wonder if it was worth it.

She walked, eyes on the lookout for Syd’s Dry Cleaning and didn’t see the dog walker who was attempting to wrangle seven dogs until she tripped over three of the dogs and fell ungracefully, books flying everywhere. The floppy haired dog walker who couldn’t have been older than thirteen yelled out an apology as he was dragged on by the overexcited dogs.

Irritated and tired, Lexa simply lay on the cold ground wondering whether, if she wished hard enough, the ground would turn into a bed. She listened to the musical sound of loud laughter that teased her and watched in the periphery of her half closed eyes as the laugh’s owner picked up her books.

“Is the Environmental Justice Commander worn out from her fight?” the girl joked.

Lexa merely grunted in response.

“I guess you didn’t save any good plants today” she added teasingly.

Lexa slowly began picking herself up rattling of an explanation, “Environmental Justice is about creating and enforcing laws that are fair to everyone regardless of race, colour, income, whatever so that everyone can get a chance at a healthy environment.” On her feet again she brushed her clothes off and heard the girl let out a soft gasp. “So for example..” she trailed off meeting blue eyes and let out a gasp of her own.

Her heart had started pounding at an alarming rate and she felt like someone had knocked the wind out of her.

“Hey”, the blonde breathed.

“Hey yourself” Lexa managed to return.

The blonde put Lexa’s books on the table behind her and leaned on the railing that separated the restaurant patio she stood in from the sidewalk eyes never leaving Lexa’s. “How are you?” she asked.

“How are you? Lexa replied with a question.

“Eh, you know” the blonde answered.

Lexa nodded, “How’s the dress?”

The blonde laughed, “Burned it”

Lexa nodded again, “I understand”.

The blonde was silent for a moment, “I’m sorry you understand”.

Lexa shrugged, “Likewise”.

The blonde straightened up glint in her eye, “I owe you a dollar and 43 cents” she declared. Lexa raised an eyebrow questioning before she realized.

“I see someone went back to the boutique”

“Someone did! And she managed to convince the useless sales girls of Tomorrow’s Fashion Boutique, who remembered me fortunately enough, to dig through their system and find my receipt” the girl explained gleefully.

“My receipt” Lexa retorted.

The blonde grinned widely.

“I’m pretty sure that’s a breach of privacy” Lexa grumbled.

“Lexa” the girl said simply.

Lexa’s heart skipped a beat at the low raspy way in which the blonde had uttered her name. She sucked in a shaky breath, “Definite breach of privacy. I’m gonna have to take you and the girls to court.”

The blonde shook her head, “The dress was meant for me, you paid without consulting me. I can put up a solid argument in court.”

Lexa grinned threateningly, “Good luck with that, I just graduated from law school this past May.”

“Well then I guess you’ll appreciate your first real challenge.” the girl responded easily.

And Lexa laughed.

A full laugh throwing her head back and blonde joined her, their laughs harmonizing.

“Come on.” The blonde grabbed her by the arm and dragged her around the railing and onto the patio. “Sit.” She ordered dragging another chair beside the one she’d designated for Lexa.

Eye contact broken, Lexa was able to focus on the surroundings. Her eyes followed cans of paint to the mural on the wall. Grey rocks composed the bottom and rose up to a spectacular colourful view of a mountain range at sunset. Even half-finished it was stunning.

“Wow” she let out.

“Eh, maybe when it’s done.” The blonde responded shyly.

“Wow” Lexa insisted.

“Mt Lemmon. My dad took me there a couple of years ago. I was going to put something else on this wall but after his funeral I couldn’t really get this image out of my head.” She explained.

“Do you wanna talk about him?” Lexa asked.

The blonde was silent for a while before she started talking. She talked about how he was her best friend and always supported her even when she said she was going to take some time off of Med school. She talked about his illness and how quick it was. She talked about how she got a chance to hug him and hear him strain out a laugh on the day he died. She talked until she said she was talked out and asked Lexa to talk.

Lexa talked about Gustus and how he had always looked out for her and Anya in the system. She talked about how lucky they were that all three of them were taken in by Indra. She talked about how when he aged out he enlisted in the military. She talked about how he left and came back in a casket.

Lexa was amazed at how she opened up so easily to this strange girl. Amazed at the simple conversation about anything and everything they switched to after sharing their grief. Amazed at the proximity she had to the blonde that kept her head spinning pleasantly. Amazed that the concept of time seemed to escape her when she was near this girl.

The hours passed and the cold intensified as the darkness bled into the corners of the patio untouched by the restaurant lights. Patrons came and went sparing confused glances at the two girls who were willingly weathering the cold.

The blonde’s head had come slowly come to rest on Lexa’s shoulder and her heart pounded away excitedly.

“Lexa.” The girl stated.

“Mmm” Lexa responded trying to remain calm.

“I know a little bit about you know.” She continued.

“Do you?” Lexa questioned.

“Yup” the blonde answered.

“I know that you like cheese, I know that Bubbles is your favourite powerpuff girl, you’re terrible on a motorcycle, you’re a rescuer of birds, also I know your name, and the last 4 digits of your credit card” she declared.

“I really am going to sue you over that receipt.” Lexa protested.

The blonde ignored her, “You also know a lot about me.”

“Do I?” Lexa laughed.

“Yup” she said confidently. “You know that I was a debate champ in college, you know Buttercup is my favourite, you know I’m awful at typing, you know that I watch yoga videos but never actually do yoga. Also you didn’t know this but you will now; I like long walks on the beach.”

Lexa laughed “You’re..”

The blonde shifted looking at Lexa, “What?” she whispered.

“Something”, Lexa answered.

“Lame” the girl complained.

“You” Lexa tried again.

“Lamer” the blonde dismissed.

“Incredible” Lexa whispered, looking into her blue eyes that widened in response. She was so close. So close.

She leaned closer.

Her warm breath hit Lexa and caused her body to shiver in response.

“You know what you don’t know?” the blonde asked.

“What?” Lexa asked dizzied by the heat radiating from her body.

“My name.”

“Mmm”

It was the hand on her cheek that did it.

Jolted her.

Lexa found herself on her feet, heart beating wildly, breathing erratically.

“Lexa?” the blonde queried worriedly.

 “I think it’s better if I don’t” Lexa said sharply, angry with herself.

“Don’t what?” the blonde asked standing up cautiously.

“Don’t know your name”, Lexa responded. The blonde stepped back, face scrunched up in a look of hurt that made Lexa’s heart ache.

The door suddenly opened and a tall dark haired man wearing a dress shirt emblazoned with the restaurant logo on its breast called out, “Hey princess, still out here?” He stepped out into the patio and looked between the two girls for a moment. “I’m interrupting” He backed up to the door giving Lexa a warning look and opened it, “Bellamy out” he announced before walking back in.

Silence hung between the two women for a moment.

“It’s not appropriate” Lexa tried.

“To know my name?” the blonde spit back incredulously. Lexa wrung her hands, conflicted, not meeting the blonde’s eyes.

“How long have you been in your relationship?” the blonde realized suddenly.

“3 years” Lexa answered robotically.

“Oh.” She responded simply.

“Listen, I want to know you, in whatever capacity. Friends. Because you’re incredible” She grinned and gestured between them, “We’re something, we’re us, we’re..”

“No.” Lexa stated calmly despite her panic. “I can’t..I don’t want to know you.”

And when she saw the devastation on the blonde’s face she fled.

Stumbling blindly onto the sidewalk she walked, then ran. She ran to clear her thoughts. She ran to clear her head of the lie she told the blonde. She ran away from her cowardice. She ran away from the irony. And when she finally stopped, she sat down at a bus stop and had her first panic attack in years.

And she thought as she struggled to breathe. I deserve this.


	4. Cause you lift me up and catch me when I'm falling for you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Without warning, she turned around and walked towards Clarke, head down, completely in her own world. Clarke was terrified. She didn’t know if she wanted to run to or from Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got some helpful feedback on the last chapter. Hope it's a clearer read now. Thanks for the feedback! Please keep it coming and enjoy:)

Clarke sat tucked away in a quiet corner of the medical school library sketching away peacefully. The library was the one thing she loved about the school and so despite the fact that she wasn’t currently attending school, she frequently found herself here.

The pale light from the cloudy sky shone through the window and enveloped the aisles in an otherworldly glow. It reminded Clarke of the church she used to attend when she was younger clutching at her father’s hands and looking around in awe. She no longer had the wide-eyed belief, considering herself to be far from religious, but she could never shake that feeling of something more whenever she stepped into that church. Unlike the church, the library was new and sterile but the calm it evoked for some reason was the same. She looked down at the lines on her sketchbook contemplatively, the penciled strong shoulders and the dipped head shining in the light from the threatening skies, before looking back up at her subject.

She was glad to have a reprieve from drawing another form. A form that filled the pages of her book from the crinkle at the corner of her eyes when she laughed, to the tentative raise of her brow when she confessed.

 _Incredible_.

She shook her head and trailed her eyes over her subject once more. As far as companions went, she liked Lincoln a lot. Since the funeral, her friends had taken it upon themselves to have someone with her almost always. It frustrated her when Bellamy would walk out to the restaurant patio what felt like every five minutes or when Raven had walked into the bathroom while she was showering under the pretense of getting something. But she was grateful for moments like these. For quiet Lincoln, who’d simply walked with her and given her space when she found her corner. He had been leaning against the windowsill staring out for over an hour and Clarke had never met someone who was so content to just be.

Octavia had met him through Bellamy in her sophomore and his senior year of undergrad and he’d quickly become a part of their group. They quickly began dating to everyone’s surprise. No one could quite understand how two people so different could work so well together. Now five years later, they were as strong as ever. Lincoln’s once cool and stoic nature was peppered now with bits of Octavia’s exuberance and warmth. Octavia’s once impulsive and loud nature was now insulated by Lincoln’s thoughtfulness and calm. 

Clarke stood up, shaking off stiffness and met Lincoln’s eye as he turned from the window. He walked catching up to her and matching her pace as she left the library. Clarke clutched he coat around her tighter seeing Lincoln’s smile, at the burst of cold that hit them, in her periphery.

“I’m mad.” She stated recalling her conversation with him on the walk over about the girl who wouldn’t leave her mind. He’d been quiet then as she spoke humming here and there knowing she didn’t really want a response.

“Good, be mad” he spoke now startling her. She grinned unabashedly at him and he grinned right back and they walked on, back to her apartment.

The kitchen was filled with the sound of tipsy laughter coming from the women that stood in it. The fluorescent light shone on them brightly fighting against the light that was struggling to stream in from the outside. The clouds couldn’t seem to make up their mind, releasing their contents in short soft bursts before once again stopping. The inhabitants of the kitchen cared not about the rain instead concentrating on the creations that the margarita machine churned out giggling all the way.

Lexa stood, leaning against the counter lazily feeling the effects of alcohol loosen the muscles that had been tense since two weeks ago when she bolted from the patio.

Bolted from her.

She watched Costia walk away from the rest of the women and hand her a mug that proudly proclaimed, ‘It’s Britney Bitch!' Lexa snorted at the custom mug imagining Echo gleefully ordering it online before examining the mug’s contents. “It’s my very own custom flavor” Costia explained, with a slight slur. “Secret ingredient is love”, she whispered jokingly leaning in and pressing a kiss to Lexa’s cheek. And another kiss. And another, this time to her nose. And another. Costia hovered her lips over Lexa’s and slowly leaned in.

Lexa could smell the alcohol on her breath.

It made her cold.

Made her stomach churn.

She turned her cheek slightly and met the kiss with it. Costia straightened up, hurt. She simply looked at her for a moment before rejoining the other girls with feigned cheer.

Lexa looked out of the window and saw that a decision had been made. The rain was coming down in buckets, mercilessly pounding against the street below, bellowing its challenge against any who dared to brave it. She ran her thumb along the bitch on her mug eyeing the liquid in the mug warily.

Fuck it.

She drank.

It was more tequila than anything.

It burned.

She wished it burned more.

The hours had chipped away at the torrential downpour and it had completely subsided leaving the only dripping to be coming from the roofs of the surrounding buildings. Cars drove by the two quiet pedestrians, cautious in their journey due to the hazards of the slick road and consuming darkness. The street lights supplemented the illumination offered by the passing cars and building windows making up for the moon that remained elusive behind the clouds.

Lexa struggled to walk straight hampered by the effects of the margaritas she’d eagerly consumed. Costia, also drunk but much more in control of her faculties, gently nudged at Lexa redirecting her whenever she got off course.

Storefront windows gave way to house windows and they walked on into the quiet residential neighbourhood mirroring its quietness.

Once they got to the house, Costia nudged Lexa’s coat off, then hers putting them up on the hooks in the foyer before both women struggled to get their boots off. After battling with the simple task for longer than both would care to admit, the two women made their way to the kitchen of the quiet house.

They had insisted on leaving Echo’s early leaving everyone else including Costia’s roommates to spend the night there. In the quiet of the kitchen, Lexa didn’t know if she was glad for their absence or she wished for their presence. 

Both women took turns gulping down glasses of water eagerly before sluggishly heading to Costia’s room.

Lips on her own jolted Lexa out of her thoughts and she was pinned against the door. She forced herself to react. Forced herself to kiss her girlfriend back hoping the darkness would make it easier. She kissed her with fervor pushing and pulling at her before pushing off the door and pressing forward insistently towards the bed. Costia landed roughly on the bed and the spell was broken.

Lexa had no interest in following.

Costia grabbed blindly at her hands pulling her down and Lexa recoiled pulling back too late and colliding with Costia’s head. She jerked back but found herself tangled up in Costia and fell back on her.

They lay there, Lexa on top of Costia, for a few seconds hearts beating rapidly.

Lexa felt herself pushed back. Pushed again. She flailed trying to find her balance before she slipped off the bed.

When she looked up, she could barely make out the figure of Costia standing on the other side of the room. She could hear her heavy breathing. She could feel her bruising anger. She could taste her coconut margarita. She could smell her favourite perfume.

Lexa struggled to her feet and shuffled to the door.

She paused for a moment.

She turned on the light.

The room remained quiet. Costia’s anger was quiet. Lexa had never known her to yell.

“You can’t even look at me.”

Lexa looked at her.

“What happened to trying?” Costia asked, silent anger dripping off every syllable.

“I tried”

“You call this trying?” she gestured at the bed.

“It’s my best.”

A sigh.

Finally.

“I know. I know you tried.” she sighed then whispered, so low that Lexa barely heard, “I didn’t really want this either.”

Lexa had never felt more sober.

She walked out of the room and to the door. Grabbed her coat and put it on. Slipped her boots on easily without the haze that had made the opposite task monumentally difficult earlier. She stood up and opened the door walking out, conscious of Costia standing behind her.

She turned.

“It was good at one point”, she offered uselessly.

“It stopped being good about two years ago; We’ve been holding on to nothing” Costia responded.

Lexa couldn’t tell if her bluntness came from the alcohol or from giving up.

“Not nothing, I still love you. You’re still my best friend.”

“Nothing more.” Costia said simply.

Lexa paused realizing the enormity of the moment.

The fact that everything was changing.

“No. Nothing more.”

The rain tumbled down carelessly uncaring that the inhabitants of the city had grown frustrated at its frequency in the past week. The strong wind made the rain spatter relentlessly against the restaurant window bringing noise to an otherwise quiet empty restaurant.

Nobody wanted to go and and eat in this weather and Bellamy had taken to obsessively wiping down the tables in an effort to keep himself busy. His waiters, lounged lazily at the table closest to the kitchen and Clarke could hear the chefs in the kitchen engaged in a raucous game of Uno.

Clarke sat staring at her sketchbook feeling uninspired and bored. She heard the sound of the rain increase and looked up to see Bellamy walking out. She shook her head at him tutting at the fact that this was the fourth time he’d gotten himself drenched checking on the chairs and tables outside. She went back to staring at her sketchbook and felt a tug at her heart thinking about the girl who seemed to understand her so easily.

Minutes passed before she looked up alarmed that Bellamy hadn’t reentered the restaurant. She could see his white shirt clinging to him as he stood in the street. Something must have distracted him. She stood up and realized he was talking to someone. Walking closer she realized that she knew that figure.

Her heart stopped.

Lexa.

All of her emotions came flooding in and overwhelmed her with their intensity and suddenness.

Elation at seeing her again.

Anger at her words.

Regret for not chasing after her when she ran away.

Hurt.

She watched inching closer to the window not realizing she was holding her breath. They looked like they were arguing and both were completely drenched as they spoke heatedly. Suddenly Lexa ducked her head and nodded solemnly before she quickly turned and walked away. Bellamy stood for a second watching before he started walking back to the restaurant.

Jolting into realization, Clarke found her feet leading her outside at a sprint. A surprised Bellamy put his hands on her shoulders stopping her. “Princess.” He warned.

“What did she say?” she demanded.

“Princess listen..”

“What did she say?”

It was cold. So cold. And Clarke was rapidly losing patience with Bellamy. He sighed, “I think..”

She lost all patience.

She pushed past him and ran down the street where Lexa had gone. “Clarke!” she heard him yell after her. Clarke didn’t care. She had to talk to Lexa.

She caught sight of her lone figure a few metres in front her trudging along in the rain hunched over. Clarke’s heart was beating so fast, she thought it would give out any second. She was shaking uncontrollably. From cold. From anger. From excitement.

Lexa stopped.

Clarke stopped.

Lexa seemed like she was having an internal debate and Clarke watched as she turned her face upwards as if seeking answers. Without warning, she turned around and walked towards Clarke, head down, completely in her own world. Clarke was terrified. She didn’t know if she wanted to run to or from Lexa.

Closer.

Clarke couldn’t breathe.

Closer.

Clarke couldn’t move.

Closer. 

Lexa was about to walk into Clarke.

So close.

Lexa looked up.

She stumbled to a stop inches away. Her eyes were wide and so so green. “You should really watch where you’re going.” Clarke heard herself say.

A beat.

“Hey.” Lexa finally said.

“Hey.”

“Listen..”

Clarke remembered her anger.

“No you listen! You don’t get to talk to me for hours. You don’t get to hold me. You don’t get to ask me about my Dad. You don’t get to call me incredible. You don’t get to come here.”

Lexa backed away.

Clarke advanced.

Clarke’s anger was loud. It was demanding. She wanted her to know just how mad she was. The rain poured harder supporting Clarke in her rage.

“You don’t want to know me, that’s what you said. After everything. That’s what you said.” She shook her head angrily. “I don’t even know why I care so much. I don’t know you. You’re just another shitty stranger in a world full of shitty strangers.”

Lexa chest heaved as she breathed hard. But she was quiet.

Clarke wanted to scream.

Clarke wanted to cry.

Instead she turned and walked away. She felt like she was walking twice the distance back to the restaurant now that she didn’t have adrenaline urging her on. She saw the patio come into sight and trudged on hands in her pocket fighting back tears.

She felt herself get whirled around.

Pushed back.

Hit the railing.

She could barely process how close Lexa was to her. She was dizzy with feelings she didn’t know how to control. Hands were gripping her arms.

So close.

Lexa opened her mouth. Clarke waited for an explanation, half angry, half intoxicated by her closeness.

“Hey.”

Clarke shook her head in disbelief.

“What? All you have to say is ‘Hey’? Fuck’s sake!”

Lexa’s eyes widened. Clarke couldn’t help but let out a laugh that grew as the confusion on Lexa’s face grew. Her laugh quickly joined Clarke’s and the two women stood in the rain clutching at each other in hysterics.

“You..” Lexa began, when they were relatively calm again

“I want you…I mean I want to know you. So badly. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have run. I just got it into my head that I was ruining things with my girlfriend by..”

“I wasn’t..”

“I know. I know you weren’t. I know you said friends but it was just too much cause I felt like it was kind of my fault things have been going poorly with her, and I felt bad..no I felt bad about not feeling bad..”

“Lexa, breathe!”

“It didn’t help when this..” Lexa paused gesturing between the two of them. “I’ve never really connected with anyone like this bef..…stop me now because I am officially turning into cheese.” She blushed and looked down at her feet self-consciously.

“I’ve never connected like this with anyone either.” Clarke whispered.

Lexa looked up.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“You didn’t.”

“I did.”

“You did. But you just did all this..said all this.”

“Friends?”

“Friends.”

Lexa grinned wildly. Clarke grinned back.

“Clarke.”

“Kent?”

“Not quite.”

“And Lewis?”

“Wrong again.”

“I give up. Wait! Is it the thing that I don’t know about you?”

Clarke grinned, “Among many things, like, you should probably know that I’m really good at Wii golf.”

Lexa laughed, throwing her head back and Clarke wanted to paint her, drenched in pouring rain, beautiful.

“Clarke.”

“That’s me.”

“Hi Clarke.”

“Hi Lexa.”


	5. I'm ready for you to find out.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke felt her fingers grabbed gently and turned from her retreating mother to meet concerned green eyes. She closed her eyes as she felt Lexa’s other hand come up to cup her cheek. She felt so calm that her outburst didn’t even feel real. She froze and held her breath as she felt a kiss softly pressed to her cheek.
> 
> “Hey, what’s wrong?” Lexa asked softly. Clarke shuddered. She opened her eyes. So green. So close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya folks. I think it's time to call this one. My very first fic complete! Thanks for reading, thanks for kudosing, thanks for bookmarking, thanks for commenting, thanks for subscribing, and honestly thanks for being Clexa trash with me. I already have my next fic planned out so keep an eye out. For now enjoy the last chap. Thanks again. You are all great.

“Out Reyes.”

“Fuck me Griffin.”

“Not interested.”

“Oh, well then. Fuck you Griffin.”

“Gladly, when you get your butt out of the apartment.”

“You’re gonna fuck yourself till Lexa gets here?”

“What! No!” Clarke ran into the living room from her bedroom blushing furiously, “That’s not what I was trying to say. I just want you out.” she protested.

Raven grinned lazily as she lounged on the couch. “You’re so easy to rile up kid.”

Clarke huffed and wordlessly pointed at the door.

“I don’t see why I have to leave.” Raven whined, “I thought you said you were just friends, that she has a girlfriend.”

Clarke's heart stuttered at her words. She convinced herself she didn’t care with mild success. “She does, and we are just friends.”

“Mmmhmm so why am I leaving again?”

Clarke struggled to find a reason she could legitimize. “I just..we’ve only really talked a couple of times and I just don’t want her to get scared off.”

“Your girl is afraid of unfluffed cushions?”

“I may have gone overboard.”

Raven smirked and stood stretching before slowly padding towards her room. Unconsciously Clarke grabbed at the cushions Raven was laying on and began fluffing them. “Seriously, Princess?” Raven asked from her bedroom door. Clarke froze in realization and Raven laughed loudly and slapping her knee exaggeratedly.

“Fuck off.”

Raven was interrupted mid laugh by a projectile cushion to the head. Another followed straight to her surprised face.

“Alright then Clarke, you asked for it. Ladies and Gentlemen get ready for a great show tonight! UPFC! Ultimate Pillow Fighting Championship”

“Do you have an off button?”

“We have two contestants tonight. Two tough ladies ready to tough it out.”

“Or maybe just an elsewhere to be.”

“The first, weighing in at two hundred and fifty three pounds, Princess Crabby!”

“Hey!”

“The second and infinitely more worthy, Ravenous Raven!”

There was a knock at the door.

“Shit!”

“To be postponed Ladies and Gents, quelle tragedie!” Raven declared walking over to the door.

“What are you doing?” Clarke hissed.

“Ironing my cat.”

“What?”

“What does it look like I’m doing Princess?” She opened the door to reveal a shivering Lexa.

Clarke was enraptured by her simple beauty. She had a green scarf comically bound around her neck and was dipping the lower half of her face into it in a desperate attempt to seek warmth and Clarke could tell she was grinning behind the scarf.

“I must say, as mundane as this task is, I prefer it to ironing my cat.” Clarke watched on, horrified. “Lexa what do you think? Opening the door is better than ironing my cat right?”

“Morally, sure.”

“I like her Clarke.” Damage done, Raven sauntered out of the door gleefully.

“You’re going to need shoes.” Clarke called out. Raven popped her head back in and gave Clarke and Lexa a dazzling smile.

“So there’s this boy, two floors down, Wick.”

“Is he a shoe seller?”

“No Clarke he is not. What he is, is kind. Kind enough to take a poor girl into his apartment cause she’s been kicked out of her own…”

“I didn’t kick you out!”

“You didn’t?”

“I didn’t.”

Raven squinted at Clarke. Clarke stared back defiantly.

“I don’t know, it looks an awful lot like kicking out.” Lexa offered.

Clarke gasped and Raven laughed pulling Lexa into a side hug. Lexa patted her shoulder conspiratorially and grinned mischievously at Clarke.

“So like I was saying before the interruption” Raven paused and fake glared at Clarke with a thoroughly amused Lexa joining in “He’ll let poor me in and maybe even lay me to make my tears go away.”

“One can only hope.” Lexa spoke gravely.

Clarke’s eyes darted between the two women in exasperation before Raven bowed theatrically and walked off into the hallway. Lexa watched after her for a second with a smile before turning to Clarke.

“Your hallway is really cold. Like really cold.”

“So come in you dork!”

Lexa smiled and walked into the apartment pulling the door closed.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

 

Clarke watched an engrossed Lexa in awe. She was captivated by the little expressions Lexa would make as she watched the screen. The small smiles. Oh God the small smiles.

“Pay attention Clarke! Fuzzy’s about to oust the Mayor.”

“Fuzzy wins. Then the Mayor comes to fight him and takes back his hat and his position.”

“You ruined it!”

“You’ve watched it!”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t still enjoy the suspense!”

Clarke grinned at her ridiculousness, “How’s Costia?” she blurted out.

Shit. Shit.

“Good actually, we had brunch earlier.”

“That’s nice.” Clarke managed to get out.

“Yeah! I thought it would be weird, you know? After everything.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, even though we were friends in our relationship, I was worried we wouldn’t be after.”

“Wait.”

“For?”

“No. Wait.”

“Not for?” Lexa puzzled.

“No! Wait!”

“I’m so beyond confused right now Clarke”

“You broke up with her?”

“Yes, well.. we broke up, it was mutual.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Not to be cliché but it really is better this way so don’t be.”

“When?”

“Umm, I don’t know maybe a week or two before Bellamy attacked me in front of the restaurant?”

“He didn’t attack you.”

“I beg to differ.”

“You attacked me.”

“What! No I didn’t.”

“Pushed me right into the railing.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“My back still hurts from that.” Clarke stood up slightly from the couch before collapsing dramatically in feigned pain.

“Good.”

“Good!?” Clarke yelled incredulously.

“Well what do you want me to say?” Lexa defended, settling further into the cushions.

“I don’t know, how about I’m sorry for the pain and suffering.”

Lexa grunted.

“You’re horrible at communication. I can’t believe you’re just now telling me about the breakup.”

“Mmm”

“You’re proving my point.” Clarke stated lying in her back, eyes on the ceiling.

“It wasn’t a big deal..well..I mean it was but it wasn’t because it was a long time coming.”

“Mmm”

“Who’s the poor communicator now?”

Clarke ignored her teasing and struggled to her feet before plopping on the on the other side of the couch and mirroring Lexa’s position. “So, you’re single now.”

“As a pringle.”

“There’s an average of a hundred pringles in the big can. Are you seeing a hundred women?”

“This week or just today?”

“It be more impressive if you managed it in a day.”

Lexa gave Clarke a look that sent her heart racing away. “Well, I’m sorry to disappoint.”

“You could never.”

In the wake of Clarke’s words the two women simply sat there on opposite ends of the couch watching each other, Powerpuff Girls episode forgotten. And Clarke had never enjoyed simply sitting more.

 

“You’re here, you’re in town!” Lexa said excitedly bounding through the apartment in a frenzy toothbrush hanging out of her mouth.

“I am aware of both these things.” Anya responded dryly.

“Ever the sarcastic one, excuse me for expressing my excitement.”

Anya grunted and continued fiddling with her guitar barely sparing a glance at Lexa. She sat tiredly on the floor of Lexa’s living room sore from the long flight and tense in anticipation of her show. Lexa bounded out of the room and returned a few seconds later, rinsed out mouth buzzing from the minty toothpaste. She skidded excitedly and plopped to the floor beside Anya and stared at the side of her face.

“Stop staring.”

“How can I when you’re this big star getting photo-shoots and write-ups in magazines.”

“One write-up, two photo-shoots. Hardly a big star.”

“You’re my big star.”

“Gross.”

“Grossest.” Lexa grinned.

“Shouldn’t you be saving all that cheesiness for your girl.”

“Clarke isn’t my girl.”

“I didn’t mention Clarke.”

“Anya.”

“What? Are you finally tired of talking about her because I for one am glad to not be subjected to it.”

“She’s just a friend.”

“When are you going to ask her out?”

“I just ended a three year relationship.”

“And?”

“She’s still mourning her father.”

“And?”

“It’s hardly appropriate.”

“Fuck appropriate. Be the sap you want to be.”

“Poetic, I can’t believe you write the songs for the band.”

“First of all fuck you. And second of all I hope you know that I am really fucking glad to be here and see my baby sis. Why do you think I scheduled a tour in the states?”

“Gross.”

“Grossest.”

 

Lexa was careful not to move her shoulder as Clarke lay on it half asleep as they were surrounded by the snores of Anya’s bandmates in their various positions in the living room. She smiled thinking of the blonde’s excitement and nervousness to meet Anya.

_“What if she hates me?”_

_“She won’t hate you, silly.”_

_“This is gonna have to end if she hates me.”_

_“What is?” Lexa whispered._

_“Our friendship, you dork!” Clarke exclaimed pushing her shoulder as they watched the band set up._

_Lexa’s stomach churned at the word. It didn’t sit quite right with her. She ignored it. “You’re being dramatic.”_

_“I’m going to have to give back your Pink Floyd t-shirt.”_

_“You should really do that anyway.”_

_“Gonna have to give back the receipt.”_

_“You do not still have it!” Lexa teased incredulously._

_“I do. Been trying to figure out the rest of your credit card number.”_

_“You’re ridiculous and I’m going to sue you.”_

_"You’ve just told me so much about her and how close you are.”_

_“And I’ve told her so much about you, she’s nervous to meet you too.”_

_“Really?”_

_“No.”_

_“Damnit Lexa.”_

She felt the blonde on her shoulder shift slightly before she spoke in a rasp that made Lexa’s stomach flutter.

“So she likes me” she murmured.

“Told you.”

“I was worried.”

“I know.”

“Do you know why?”

“Why you were worried?”

“Yeah.”

“Cause you wanted to make a good impression.”

“Why?”

Lexa paused before she cautiously spoke. “Cause we’re friends?”

The blonde was quiet and Lexa waited nervously. She heard her breathing deepen before she realized the girl was asleep.

Lexa didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed.

 

“Dad, Lexa. Lexa, Dad.”

“Mr. Griffin.” Lexa said quietly.

Clarke sniffled as she kept her eyes firmly glued on the headstone. She removed her left arm from Lexa’s and walked forward, her quick breaths fogging up in front of her, before kneeling on the damp grass and tracing a gloved hand over the letters that spelt out her father’s name. “It’s been 5 months since we buried you.”

She abruptly stood up and walked off leaving Lexa to follow after she gently laid down the flowers Clarke had picked out.

 

Dinner was a new thing. Every other Thursday. The constants were Abby, Raven and a reluctant Clarke. Occasionally Lexa or Octavia would join to Clarke’s relief as it meant minimal conversation with her mom. But Clarke was antsy now. She couldn’t stop thinking about her most recent visit with her dad.

“So Lexa, only a couple of months left in your fellowship right? What next?”

“Well, Mrs. Griffin at the beginning of the fellowship I wasn’t too sure but I’ve definitely fallen in love with Environmental Justice. I mean the case I was telling you about for example with the landfill in the minority neighbourhood…”

Clarke couldn’t make herself focus on the conversation. She wanted to leave or throw up. The food Raven had cooked suddenly tasted like gravel in her mouth.

“Wow. I think it’s admirable that you know what you want to pursue, Lexa. It’s important for…”

“I know what I want to do.” Clarke interrupted.

“Honey, nobody said anything about you. I was talking about Lexa.”

“Yeah, but you were thinking about how much of a disappointment I am.”

“Clarke, she literally was just talking about Lexa.” Raven snapped.

“Oh of course, you would defend her ‘Ms. I’m pursuing my Masters in Aerospace Engineering.”

“Ooooh damn Clarke, you got me there. Great insult.”

“Fuck off Raven.” Raven stood up suddenly chair falling behind her and stalked to her room.

“Really Clarke?” Abby asked getting up to follow her.

“Yeah, that’s right, go comfort the daughter you wish…”

“Clarke. Stop.” Lexa interrupted.

Clarke felt her fingers grabbed gently and turned from her retreating mother to meet concerned green eyes. She closed her eyes as she felt Lexa’s other hand come up to cup her cheek. She felt so calm that her outburst didn’t even feel real. She froze and held her breath as she felt a kiss softly pressed to her cheek.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Lexa asked softly. Clarke shuddered. She opened her eyes. So green. So close. She shuddered again before sitting back and trying to clear her head.

“I’ve just been thinking a lot since we went to see him last week.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I need to talk to her.”

Lexa remained quiet never breaking eye contact with Clarke.

“It’s just so hard you know. We never really got along but now..I feel like we need to.”

“So talk to her when she comes back out.”

“Now?”

“Sure, if you’re ready.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.” Clarke sighed out a breath and squeezed Lexa’s hand nodding, “Yeah okay, I’ll talk to her.”

 

The two women stood holding each other in the doorway, faces both wet with overdue tears. Abby stepped back sniffling before she turned to the girl on the couch, “It was great to see you again Lexa.”

“You too, Mrs. Griffin.”

“Abby.”

“Abby.”

Said woman turned back to Clarke and squeezed her hand tightly. “Clarke, we’ll talk more?”

“Yeah, I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight girls.”

Clarke closed the door gently and leaned her head against it emotionally drained but glad she had talked with her mom.

“It went well?”

“It went well. I mean, we’ve got a long way to go before we’re really okay but it’s definitely something.”

“Half a loaf is better than no bread.”

“What?”

“It’s a popular saying!” Lexa defended.

“Maybe in loserdom.”

“Jeez, you’re such a wet blanket, remind me never to idiom around you.”

“Idiom isn’t a verb.”

“See my point, you’re no fun.”

Clarke turned around and slid down the door exhaustedly watching Lexa intently.

“Lexa, why are you still here?”

“Wanted to make sure you and your mom didn’t murder each other.”

“Raven could have done that. You could have left you know?”

“Didn’t cross my mind.” Lexa answered quietly. She fiddled with her coat buttons for a moment before standing up. “Did you want me to leave?”

“No. No. I just…You have work in about 4 hours and you could have gone home and gotten some rest.”

“You’re right, I should go to bed.” she responded walking towards Clarke. Clarke scrambled to her feet and grabbed Lexa’s arms stopping her.

“I’m a jerk, you were being sweet as usual and I’m so fucking grateful. So fucking grateful okay?” she blurted.

“Okay.”

“Stay the night.”

“I don’t think so, I have some stuff to work on before work tomorrow.”

Clarke groaned, “That sucks Lexa I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it was my choice to stay and you’re so fucking grateful.”

“Lexa?”

“Yeah?”

“Never mind.”

“Clarke, you can tell me anything.”

“I can?”

“You can.”

“It really was nothing, you should get your butt to work so you can catch some sleep.”

“Clarke.”

“You don’t wanna be groggy.”

“Clarke.”

“Friday is a very important day for lawyering.”

“Okay.” Lexa said giving up. She opened the door, and walked out slowly. “If you won’t talk to me, maybe you should talk to Raven.”

“Lexa.”

“She came out of her room once while you were talking to your mom and she didn’t look too happy.”

“Lexa.”

“Goodnight Clarke.”

“Okay.”

 

The aroma from the freshly cooked bacon filled the kitchen and wafted throughout the apartment. Clarke hummed as she hurriedly finished up making breakfast and laid two plates down on the table. She bounced impatiently foot to foot as she waited for Raven to come out of her room knowing she had an early class in an hour.

“Clarke Griffin awake before noon?” Raven walked out of her room book bag in tow.

“I’m sorry Rave.”

“Clarke Griffin awake _and_ contrite before noon?”

“Raven.”

“You’re forgiven.”

"I didn’t even explain.”

“A. You’re mom called me told me why you were being a terror.”

“Already?”

“Yeah, she called you first but you didn’t pick up.”

“Ahh shit.”

“Really Clarke what purpose does your phone even serve?”

Clarke huffed before running into her room to grab her phone seeing the missed call and voicemail.

“B. You’re up, before noon to see me!”

Clarke walked back into the living room shaking her head. “I used to get up early when I was in med school!”

Raven scoffed, “And C. Apology breakfast, complete with a bacon smiley face on my pancakes! So yeah all is well.”

“Good. I need some advice.”

“You follow up your apology with a demand!? Jesus Christ Clarke.”

“It’s about Lexa.”

“Oh, the by all means continue.” She sat down and began digging in to her breakfast.

“I think I like her. Like, like like her.”

“Are you four?”

“Raven!”

“Well woman, what do you expect me to say to that?”

“I don’t know, something helpful?”

“Tell her.”

“That’s not helpful.”

“It’s all I got.”

 

Clarke sat on a bench slightly shivering as the watched the door of the brownstone office building. She was grateful that the cold was starting to subside and give way to warmer Spring weather. She was nervous, having not talked to Lexa in a few days save for a few short texts. She missed her. Despite the fact that they’d only known each other for a few months, Lexa had become a constant. A necessity even. She fidgeted in anticipation knowing that Lexa left for lunch at around this time. She glanced down at her phone checking the time once again and looked up to see Lexa laughing with a coworker as they descended the stairs.

She stood up.

Lexa stopped catching sight of her.

Clarke watched her excuse herself from her coworker and trudge over slowly.

“I’m sorry.” Clarke blurted when she got close enough.

“For what?”

“When you left last Thursday.”

“ I think we were both tired.”

“Still.”

“Clarke you’re shivering, where’s your coat?”

“It’s almost Spring!”

“It doesn’t feel like it though.”

“Maybe if I dress like this, the weather will remember that it’s supposed to change.”

“You’re a dork, take my coat.”

“No thanks, really I’m alright, listen Lexa..”

“Date me then.”

“What?”

“Am I overstepping?”

“Yes.”

Lexa stepped back, “I’m sorry I..”

“No, wait! Yes to the date, not the overstepping.”

“Oh..wait..yes?”

“Definitely yes.”

Lexa beamed at her and Clarke’s chest felt warm with joy. The two women stared at each other grinning like fools before Clarke tentatively broke the silence.

“Wanna grab lunch with me?”

“I can’t right now, I have to meet a client, but dinner?”

“Yeah, dinner.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Lexa backed away slowly before turning and walking away. Clarke smiled to herself and wrapped her arms around herself before she began walking in the opposite direction. She resisted the urge to skip happily and walked on quicker in an attempt to avoid the cold.

A hand suddenly grabbed her turned her around and she found herself pressed against Lexa’s body.

“You’re always doing..”

Lexa kissed her.

Her mind was reeling with the impossibility of it all. She had to have been dreaming. Her lips were too soft. Too perfect. She was too warm. Too gentle. Lexa’s grip on her steadied her as she pulled back slightly before dipping back in slowly. Clarke’s skin was tingling and she hummed lightly into the kiss, gripping Lexa closer and closer.

When they broke the kiss, both women were breathing heavily.

“What can I say? I have a flair for the dramatics.”

Clarke kissed her again. And again. “Yeah, you do.”

“Fuck my client.”

“I don’t know Lexa, I know I agreed to date you but I think that’s a little bit out of my comfort zone.”

“Clarke.”

“Lexa, I’m not bending on this, I’m interested in you, not your client.”

Lexa huffed, “Have lunch with me.”

“Your client needs you.”

“She can help herself.”

“Lexa, you’re _the_ Environmental Justice Commander. Your people need you.”

“Ugh.”

“Tell you what, how about I make you an offer.”

“Shoot.”

“Dinner later and more of this.” Clarke leaned in and gave her a soft peck.

“Oh yeah?”

“Definitely yeah.”

“Deal.” Lexa declared shaking Clarke’s hand vigourously.

“Deal.” Clarke laughed.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think.


End file.
